What's This?

 This weekend I ended up talking way more than I imagined. 

• First thing on Friday I end up talking with someone incredibly random, but also incredibly pleasant for more than an hour at Starbucks.
• Late into Friday night, more like early Saturday, I ended up on Westheimer after a random turn of events. I ended up talking to someone that I recently met, and was ridiculously charmed by her antics. It was extremely refreshing to speak with someone who isn’t complaining, pessimistic, sarcastic, trying to be “grown up”, or just trying too hard to be deep. Such a simple, and genuine person isn’t always around.
• Saturday night I yapped my head off to an old classmate I hadn’t seen in over a year. It was nice catching up.
• Finally, tonight I spent a nice time chit chatting with another classmate of mine while we visited a random carnival by a highway. 

It all went by so fast. Almost too fast. 

There’s this feeling I have every once and a while. Every time it randomly flows through me it feels so good that I have to let out a huge sigh of relief. Its timing is pretty random, but I have to be extremely tired or relaxed for it to appear. The reason for this is so that my mind isn’t distracted, but just neutral. By having a clear mind it opens a door for random thoughts to visit from my “subconscious”**. 

Sometimes I’ll be a passenger in a car, and be watching the road flow past me. Suddenly I’ll remember someones voice, or a girls legs, maybe even a persons hands, and I’ll feel this tingling sensation inside my torso. It reminds me of the first time I dated a girl, and every time i’d think of her i’d get the “warm and fuzzies”. Back then the feeling would be longer lasting, and would gradually fade after a bad break up. Nowadays, I only feel it in passing or just see glimpses of it. I’m not too sure why it doesn’t feel as permanent anymore, but part of me prefers it that way.

Nowadays I don’t feel a fixation with just one person, and it’s easier to appreciate the subtle beauties of those around me. It’s intriguing how someone tries to hide their smile, how another barely touches my skin to create shivers down my spine, or how some aren’t afraid to sit really close to me. Randomly remembering little things like these always create a very short, but very appreciated instance of pure bliss at times.

An observer and admirer..sometimes I wonder if in people watching I’ll end up alone amongst said people. Surrounded by the subtle beauties that women have to offer, but never settled in with one.

Admiring the surroundings but never the path. 

** “subconscious” = place in my mind I store all the things I want to say to some, but ultimately withhold from them in fear of alienating them. 

Sometimes it’s pretty hard to finish a project. Once you start to realize that you’re the only one willing to let themselves be consumed by it the difficulty rises. Obviously one can’t expect everyone to share the same enthusiasm for something they’re detached from, but whenever others continuously treat the project as a burden things get heavy. It almost feels like some type of guilt which you have to carry on your shoulders. Who am I to drag all these people down with me into this endless cycle of work? Sure, they initially agreed to participate, but it still isn’t a good feeling when they all start to drop like flies.

At the end of the day I always end up alone, and extremely exhausted. Whenever my balance starts to fade, and I begin to stumble everywhere I ask myself, “How and why am I still standing here? All this work will be reviewed for a few minutes at best, and then be forgotten.” Then I realize something which revives me for a little bit longer. Yeah, this will come and go, but to me it’ll always be deposited in a drawer in my mind. The things I do aren’t always for others, but are also for me. 

It may seem like common sense, but then again a lot of people lack common sense. 

Went to the museum today. 

“Art”.

Tumblr, I return. You may not be a complete substitute for good ol’ pen & paper, but you’re still alright. You’re my pink Starburst. Not as good as the red one, but not as meh as the orange.

Today was Monday. My life right now revolves around a faint feeling of dread, a tiny bit of sadness, a huge chunk of uncertainty, and so much love for all the ones I’m with. I’m so unsure of so many things, but I’m so sure of my love for life that it’s alright to not know.

It’s OK to not know. It’s amazing to not know. 

“O.K., lets do it!”